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Here we are. Another year at Slamdance with the crème de la crème of indie filmmakers. We, here, are all winners! We are the 1% of American filmmakers! We are deserving of distribution offers, industry acclaim and invitations to the most exclusive parties!

Yeah right.

Party invitations will happen- even the most hardened grump is forced to socialize, and here in Park City you can’t shake a stick without hitting someone brilliant and connected. But, industry acclaim and a distribution offer…? Not a guarantee. Enter everyone’s favorite fear: Failure.

With such an intimate understanding of your film’s complex birth, and flush off the high of having been included in the first place, it becomes a strange sort of deflation when nothing much happens at the festival, itself. You start to feel powerless, unable to advance. You hear about the amazing parties where so-and-so met so-and-so, and the buzz around the hot new films at Sundance. And you start to feel, frankly, like shit.

When you get laid up with the inevitable mid-week Park City flu, and are shivering in your static electricity-heavy condo unable to sleep, knowing that somewhere on the mountain there is an awesome party going on that you weren’t invited to, I would invite you to consider these words: This is normal. This is part of the process, for independent filmmakers. You are working in a system that is designed to keep you out, and a lot of that is out of your control. Instead of aspiring to be the person throwing the party that no one can come to, I would invite you to turn your sense of outsider-ness, of failure, into a sort of commitment.  Commit to doing it differently. Commit to failing at the system, ’cause the system is failing you.

Most importantly – put away that half-assed daydream about abandoning the film world altogether, get your ass in gear and go f*ck sh*t up. Make it happen, in your own way, acquisitions execs be damned. Turn failure into a new model. And make that model a success.

1. THE BAND TOUR DOC

Band from US/UK/Australia goes on tour to Europe/US/Europe&US. Filmmaker tags along. Filmmaker films freeways being driven upon, through front window/side window. Prevalent attention paid to road signs in foreign idioms. Band engages in hijinks such as: drinking all night, driving while groggy, sleeping on floors, partying with people of the opposite sex (never seen one that parties with people of the same sex– that might be interesting!). Band has a couple of totally empty gigs. Band gets exhausted and tempers flare. Band has big falling out, someone quits. Band has one triumphal awesome gig. Band comes back home to their day jobs in menial work. Band vows to carry on despite all odds.

2. THE SOAPBOX DOC
(AKA The advocacy doc)

Earnest in tone and pointing to legitimate problems in the world, the advocacy doc is also usually incredibly yawnsville. It is healthy and dull, like a brussel sprout for your brain. And as with a brussel sprout, it’s hard to get particularly excited about consuming it. Try adding some humor, a story, a damn good editor, and an opposing point of view. And please: No more films about Katrina or global warming, at least for a little while.

3. THE FILM ABOUT MAKING A FILM
(AKA The film about ME!)

Making movies is totally hard. You deserve to be in the spotlight and so does your superhot girlfriend. You are a talented motherfucker and talent like yours must not be contained. You are going to make this movie against all odds. Now please take that 2 hour feature containing those succession of shots of yourself in the mirror earnestly discussing your artistic process, chop it into like 30 shorts, and release it episodically on Youtube. Thank you.

4. THE TV SHOW PILOT ABOUT ANIMALS

A TV exec would probably be very excited about your film, but: You ‘re putting it forth for theatrical screening, and everyone can tell it’s a pilot. Few people will watch a 52 minute nature doc (with heavy voice-over and swelling music) while scarfing popcorn in a theatre. People watch those types of films on Tuesday nights, at 10PM, on their sofas. Send it straight to Animal Planet/ NatGeo (and you’ll probably get paid more, too).

5. THE SUPER-ESOTERIC ART FILM

Much more at home in an art gallery or in your grad school critique, your screeches and public displays of modern dancing feel ridiculous when presented as a narrative film.

6. THE HORROR FILM KNOCK-OFF

I know it’s, like, a cultural meme now, but believe it or not it takes a lot for a zombie movie to be good, not just your drunk frat brothers walking around with mascara and lipstick smooshed on their faces. Same goes for ‘Blair Witch’ knock-offs, ‘Paranormal Activities’ knockoffs, ‘Saw’ knowckoffs and vampire movie knockoffs. And then you submit a making-of as a documentary? See item 3.

7. THE MILQUETOAST FILM ABOUT A KOOKY PERSON

If you must do this, please make it either a. under 10 minutes or b. about something that actually HAPPENS to that kooky person. Ninety minutes of a kooky person just being kooky/crazy/wild/deep is forgettable, immediately being filed in that gray area in your brain reserved for “cool characters that mean nothing to me”. Also, see ‘honorable mention a’.

8. THE TOPIC THAT TRENDY PEOPLE WERE REALLY INTO 8 MONTHS AGO, IS NOW SOMEWHAT TIRED, AND THAT EVERYBODY IS NOW MAKING MOVIES ABOUT
(AKA the film that thinks it’s really cool)

If you are white, urban, and more than 5 of your friends are ironically into the topic that your film is about (eg pirates vs ninjas; unicorns; hipster beards or moustaches), then — I promise you — a lot of other people are making the exact same film, about the exact same subject, and probably with the exact same Animal Collective soundtrack. By the time your film comes out, the topic is going to be played out. Try a different topic, something genuinely, authentically cool not something that Vice tells you is cool in an ironic sort of way.

9. THE INSANELY STYLIZED MOVIE ABOUT EDGY SHIT

Your Guy Ritchie-eque attempts at frenetic styling and your curse-ridden script don’t work when the film is shot on a flip cam. Nor do the final cut filters, the entry-level aftereffects, and anything like solarization or hyper-saturation on your footage.

10. THE SPIRITUAL FILM ABOUT AN ESOTERIC THEORY

An hour and forty-five minutes of a badly shot religious sermon delineating the connection between the Masons, Ranchers in Kentucky and George Bush, complete with 5 minute text cards in Curlz, fluorescent? Someone take away this person’s camcorder and iMovie.

HONORABLE MENTION A: The film that badly needs a finish editor

Two hours that could be condensed into one. One hour that could be condensed into 10 minutes. If the footage doesn’t advance the story, provide relevant context or just look  beautiful, cut it.

HONORABLE MENTION B: The film that should be intended for the internet that looks terrible on a big screen

Superawesome when I’m bored at work. Superlame when I’m stuck watching it in a theatre.

HONORABLE MENTION C: The cross country film

• About: biking/ walking/ scootering/ roadtripping
• Across: America/Europe/The Andes
• For: a good cause (usually cancer)/ to meet ‘real’ people/ cause Werner Herzog once said filmmakers should do it

I’ve seen every variation of this – some pretty great (Hunter Weeks’ excellent 10MPH), some mildly entertaining, and upwards of 5 indie docs chronicling a filmmakers’ cross-country walk as inspired by Werner Herzog. Anyways, the topic has officially been amply covered, in all its possible permutations.

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¹ I’ve been programming film festivals and screening films for exhibition or TV since 2003. In these last 7 years, I estimate that I have seen over 4500 independent documentaries & narratives, features and shorts alike.

² A ton of people will probably disagree with this list. Other festival programmers I’ve spoken to, for instance, have disagreed, have expressed dismay at my judgement, and have expressed interest in seeing films like these. Also, bear in mind that this list is written from the POV of festival and/or theatrical programming.

³ Which brings me to my first point of advice to filmmakers trying to get their films seen in a theatre/festival setting: Look at the type of films that your target festival or screening series has programmed over the last few years before submitting yours. If a festival, for instance, has programmed a film about the quirky exploits of a group of cat fanciers within the last 3 years, it stands to reason that they will probably not want to program ANOTHER film about the quirky exploits of cat fanciers. Unless, of course, they happen to be the Cat Fancier Film Festival of Central Metropolis (invented, this does not exist) — in which case you have a very strong chance of being admitted.

In other words: Do your homework, keep you ear to the ground to see what people are making, spend more time on your story development, and for god’s sake watch more independent films – just so you know what’s out there and can then learn from other people’s mistakes. 

If after all this you find that your idea is not even close to being original, but you feel compelled to make it anyways, then either make it for a specific audience, make it for the internet, or pull all your smartest friends together and make it fucking brilliant, so that your particular film becomes the new standard in the genre that all others are marked against.

Go check out #1 here and #2 here.

If you’re unfamiliar with New Breed – it’s a blog on WorkBook Project that captures stories from the front lines as a group of filmmakers share their journey from script to screen and beyond.